by Adrienne Mand Lewin
With thanks to TODAY Style

“Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable.” – Jean de La Fontaine

Weddings might be traditional, but the way they’re celebrated these days might be anything but.

Wedding Paper Divas conducted an online survey in April among adults who had attended at least one wedding in the past year and found that four in 10 said social media was encouraged and specific hashtags were provided to guests to add their contributions. In addition, seven in 10 Twitter users report tweeting about a wedding while in attendance, and half of Twitter users say they’ve used the service to post wedding-related photos.

On the other hand, one-third of wedding guests report being asked not to use a mobile or other electronic device during the ceremony, the survey found. And despite all of the sharing, 65 percent agreed that it is important to ask the couple’s permission before posting wedding photos online, and that the couple should be the first to share the photos.

That advice comes a little too late for a bride in New York, whose engagement news was broken on Facebook — just not by her. A friend posted a cryptic message about good news, which was quickly commented on by others who already knew.

Since she and her fiancé were still trying to connect with friends and family by phone to let them know, she asked her friend to take down the post. But a few days later, the friend tagged her with a message announcing the couple’s engagement and the cat was out of the bag to some people they hadn’t reached yet.

“I know it was out of excitement and I know that it was out of love,” she said, “but it wasn’t her news to share.”

On her wedding day, she doesn’t plan to outright ban electronic devices, but added: “I can’t imagine anyone would want to tweet my wedding. I hope that people are dancing and having a good time and not worrying about their phones.”

Another bride in Pennsylvania, who plans to marry later this month, said she is fine with friends sharing photos later in the day but not before the ceremony. “It’s changed so much,” she said. “Nobody ever had to worry about this stuff. I mean, technology is good, but in this sense we still want to keep some things traditional.”

And finally, one bride in New Jersey said her June wedding will occur completely offline. “I’m a pretty private person,” she said. “I never really thought that the people that are affiliated with me would really do something like that.”

She added that while there is “no malice whatsoever,” unsanctioned posts and photos can take away some of the day’s surprises and offend those not invited. “I think it’s in poor taste.”

Amber Harrison, etiquette expert at Wedding Paper Divas, has dealt with a few frustrated clients, including a groom who saw the bride’s dress before the ceremony, thanks to an overzealous bridesmaid who snapped a photo and posted it on Facebook. “Those moments are exactly what I feel it’s my job to try to be aware of before they happen so that they can be avoided,” Harrison said.

Harrison added that it is important for couples and their guests to remember that “this hopefully is a once-in-a-lifetime occasion that we should all commemorate. But it’s a very big day, and it’s something we should just give the respect that it deserves and be present in the moment and be there for that couple in whatever they have chosen.

“There’s very little judgment here,” she said. “Let’s just start communicating the wishes.”

Perhaps you have wondered where the phrase, “tying the knot,” come from? The expression refers to the traditional early Celtic marriage ritual of Handfasting.

“Handfasting,” the ancient word for a wedding, was traditionally recognized as a binding contract of marriage between a man and a woman before weddings became a legal function of the government or a papal responsibility of the church. After the wedding vows and ring exchange, the couple’s hands were bound together with a cord that was tied in a “love knot,” signifying the joining of their lives in a sacred union.

Today, handfasting is a symbolic ceremony to honor a couple’s desire for commitment to each other, and to acknowledge that their lives and their destinies are now bound together. During the Handfasting ceremony, the couple’s hands are tied together with one or several colored cords or ribbons, symbolizing the desire of the couple to be united. The cord is often kept by the couple in a box or ornate bag as a reminder of their vows. Handfastings, done in the past as a commitment for a year and a day, can be combined with ring vows and a license to make it a legally binding contract.

Each of the cord colors has its own special symbolic meaning. The cords can either be several colors twisted into one cord and used for a single cord ceremony, or each color can be draped individually up to six cords. Each cord should be at least 48″ (4 ft.) long, so the ends can all be tied together. For more than two or three colors, ribbon usually works better than cord or rope.

Here are some of the meanings attached to the colors:

• Red: Will, love, strength, fertility, courage, health, vigor, passion.
• Orange: Encouragement, adaptability, stimulation, attraction, plenty, kindness.
• Yellow: Attraction, charm, confidence, balance, harmony.
• Green: Fertility, luck, prosperity, nurturing, beauty, health, love.
• Blue: Safe journey, longevity, strength.
• Purple: Healing, health, strength, power, progress.
• Black: Strength, empowerment, wisdom/vision, success, pure love.
• White: Spiritual purity, truth, peace, serenity and devotion.
• Gray: Balance, neutrality, used in erasing, canceling, neutralizing, and return to the universe without repercussion.
• Pink: Love, unity, honor, truth, romance, happiness.
• Brown: Healing , skills and talent, nurturing, home and hearth, the earth.
• Silver: Creativity, inspiration and vision, and protection.
• Gold: Unity, longevity, prosperity, strength.

In centuries gone by, handfasting was a popular custom in the British Isles. In rural areas, it could be weeks or even months before a clergyman happened to stop by your village, so couples learned to make allowances. A handfasting was the equivalent of today’s common-law marriage — a man and woman simply clasped hands and declared themselves married. Generally this was done in the presence of a witness or witnesses. In Scotland, marriages were considered the office of the church until 1560, when marriage became a civil matter rather than a church sacrament. After that time, marriages were divided into “regular” and “irregular” marriages.

At one time, betrothal — the solemn exchange of vows of intention to marry — was as important a step as marriage itself. Some of the ceremony once common in betrothal — such as exchanging rings or a formal kiss — later became part of the marriage service as that progressively became more important.

We don’t know a lot about the rules in Anglo-Saxon England before the Norman Conquest, but the betrothal ceremony seems to have been marked by the happy couple joining hands. It seems that in Northern England and Scotland, handfasting marked a first stage of marriage, a temporary contract that lasted a year and a day. If at the end of that time no child had been born and the couple didn’t want to continue, the betrothal lapsed.

The ceremony’s name has become known again in recent decades because it has been adopted by modern Pagans such as Wiccans. The culmination of the modern ceremony often takes the form of a couple jumping together over a broom, another borrowing from ancient custom. For today’s Pagans, however, the ceremony is marriage, not betrothal. Some even have a complementary divorce rite called handparting!

If one (or more) of these nasties does find its way to your wedding, the best advice is to soldier on! Remember: nobody will know that the Groom wore a borrowed tie or the dessert served by the catering company wasn’t the one you ordered, unless they hear it from you! If anyone asks, act as if it was supposed to happen!

• Say what?:
  Occasionally, invitations are printed with the wrong names, dates or other miscellaneous items gone awry. This is compounded if the wedding announcer, or (gasp!) even the wedding Officiant, reads out the wrong name.
• “Wedding” Time:
  You want your guests to remember your wedding for how beautiful it was, not for how late it started! Sometimes, this happens because a particular person (like the maid of honor or best man) or item (like the cake) is either AWOL, or stuck in traffic.
• Fashion Faux Pas: This is the most frequent wedding day mishap. Some examples: the dress is delivered late, has fitting issues, tears at the seams while putting it on, gets stained, has a bad zipper or someone steps on it.
• The Other Shoe: There are pretty much only three things that can go wrong with shoes: they’re misplaced, they don’t fit or they’re damaged.
• Faint Praise: With all the wedding excitement (and stress), it is not unusual for a stressed-out bride to start feeling light-headed, get a killer headache, go on a crying jag, panic or get cranky. Other bride-related boo-boos include a breakout the night before the wedding, swollen eyes or a beauty treatment or medicine that suddenly turns against you.
• Makeup:
  Your wedding day is one day when you want to look your best. Unfortunately, things can go wrong when the makeup artist is late, never shows up, makes a mess of your hair or makeup, or you have a makeup melt down from rain, sun or emotional overheating.
• Decorations:
  Almost all weddings run into issues with the decorations: flower arrangements are wrong, lighting is lousy, linens are wrong for the theme, items are missing or damaged (e.g., runners, centerpieces, etc.). The list goes on and on.
• Play it again, Sam:
  There are lots of wrong turns the music can take: the DJ doesn’t show up (we have actually seen this one happen ourselves), is inexperienced, obstinate, or unwilling to respect your wishes; the music is inappropriate or poorly selected.
• Food, Glorious Food:
  Sometimes, despite your best efforts to give your guests the culinary experience of a lifetime, you can still end up with culinary disaster: dishes you never requested and don’t want, poorly prepared or low-quality food.
• Let ‘Em Eat Cake:
  Virtually anything can go wrong with the wedding cake: it falls, tilts, melts, gets dropped or smooshed by some hapless guest or vendor.
• Drunks, Show-offs and Blowhards:
  Anyone who’s seen “The Wedding Crashers,” knows that almost every wedding (except the ones that use bouncers), is “graced” with uninvited guests or guests who never replied to the RSVP. Sometimes, unruly or otherwise belligerent guests who bother others or try to steal your thunder (or the spotlight). Occasionally, you may even have to deal with inebriated guests who present a danger to themselves (or everyone else).
• Rain, Rain, Go Away:
  Sometimes, your plans run into weather problems, and there’s not much you can do about it. Unexpected showers, severe heat, even strong winds have wreaked havoc with more than a few outdoor weddings.
• Throw the Book at ‘Em:
  Sometimes, you find out your vendor or venue has you double-booked. Sometimes, your booking mysteriously disappears or gets cancelled. Sometimes, services promised by a vendor or venue turn out to be non-existent or unavailable. Transportation of food or decorations gets botched (usually due to a shortage or delay of transport vehicles).
• It’s So Hard to find Good Help These Days:
  Friends you’ve enlisted to help with the preparations show up late, or not at all. Vendors who were so accommodating at the interview – DJs, musicians, caterers or even (dare I say it) Officiants – turn out to be inflexible, unprofessional or obstinate, renege on their contract, get lazy or sloppy.
• Missing Wedding Rings: |
  Once in a blue moon, in the chaos that happens just before the wedding, you can lose track of the rings. This can happen regardless of whom your entrust with their safekeeping.

If mayhem does strike, you pretty much have two options. You can go ballistic – cry, scream, tear your hair or fume about it all the way through the day – or go with the flow, and do it with dignity, style and grace. Assuming you decide the second option is the better alternative, here are some ways to accomplish it:

• Be prepared.Have your maid of honor or best friend (or both) carry an emergency kit just in case. This kit should include (but not be limited to) these ten essentials:
  1. Necessary medications (including anti-anxiety meds if you think you’ll need them)
  2. Safety pins
  3. Tape (regular and double-sided)
  4. Essential toiletries, hairspray, lotions, deodorant, etc.
  5. Breath mints (no kidding – for the kiss!)
  6. Makeup and eye drops
  7. Healthy snacks (e.g., PowerBars or fresh fruit)
  8. Tissue and/or hand towels
  9. Extra matching jewelry, lipstick and nail polish
  10. Stain remover wipes, mending kit, baby wipes and white chalk (for stains the wipes can’t remove).
• Let someone you trust handle any unexpected disasters, so you’re free to be the center of attention and revel in your wedding celebration.
• Make a schedule for everyone and, within reasonable limits, insist they stick to it.
• Try to bring all the essential items ahead of time and store them in a safe place at the venue. It’s always better to be early than late!
• Don’t allow anything that might stain anywhere you might be, and don’t eat or drink anything that might stain.
• Allow only essential people in your dressing room: Crowd=Mess, and Mess=Mishaps.
• Weatherproof your makeup and if, for some reason , it gets trashed , discreetly remove it with baby wipes (enlist your maid of honor or else you might end up making it worse).
• Use eye drops to remove redness, and special eye to reduce swelling. Don’t use ice – it will dry your eyes and make them itch.
• Ask the venue to arrange extra chairs for unexpected guests.
• Try to ignore disruptive guests, but if they you can’t, ask someone to have a discreet chat with them or their companions.
• Have slices of ‘secretly’ cut regular cream cake available if your wedding cake gets trashed, dropped or delivered late.
• If your DJ is late, connect an iPod or MP3 player. Even better, if there is a decent singer among your guests, ask them if they’d be willing to sing without instruments while you arrange a new plan.
• Have umbrellas available in case it rains. This is especially important if you live in western Washington, where the weather is unpredictable even in the middle of Summer.

If you’re like most people, your wedding day is something you’ve been planning for a long time. Emotionally, you have a lot invested in making it right, and while it’s perfectly okay to strive, and hope for the wedding of your dreams, you should never forget the real reason you’re there: you are marrying your best friend and true love. If things go south on you, try to stay calm and enjoy even the not-so-perfect experiences.

One thing you are sure to regret, more than the mishaps, missteps and minor catastrophes, is wasting precious time worrying about things you can’t change, instead of participating in the festivities…that are all about you! Never forget that weddings should be a celebration. Your only worry should be how to have as much fun as you can!

Reprinted here with the kind permission of Reverend Judith Johnson. To read more of her blogs, purchase a copy of “The Wedding Ceremony Planner,” her bestselling book on the topic of wedding ceremony design, or learn what she’s passionate about, please visit her website at http://www.judithjohnson.com/.

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Most couples want a wedding ceremony that speaks to their unique values, beliefs and life circumstances, but beyond a few inspired ideas, many are at a loss about how to put it all together. Having designed and officiated at hundreds of wedding ceremonies, here are my 10 top secrets to creating the ceremony of your dreams:

1) Remember that the ceremony is a sacred ritual and the most important part of your wedding day.

The marriage ceremony is rich with traditions that cross cultural boundaries and date back to ancient times. If a contemporary marriage ceremony does not include this sacred dimension, it runs the risk of being little more than the creation of a legal union. Like digging a well to tap into the aquifer, a ceremony that draws upon the sacred dimension connects a couple into the mystery of two becoming.

2) The wedding ceremony is a theatrical production and you are the producers/directors.

A seamless wedding ceremony is a carefully choreographed production. This theatrical dimension requires balancing the creation of a meaningful ceremony with careful attention to the details. Thinking everything through ahead of time and having a thorough rehearsal allows the members of the wedding party to confidently perform their parts, which will make the ceremony appear effortless to your guests.

It’s important that you take charge. If you have advisors, let them guide you through what decisions need to be made and what your alternatives are, but don’t let them make decisions for you. Even when you have a bridal consultant, be sure that all decisions affecting the ceremony are made by you.

3) A great ceremony strikes a balance between personal expression and tradition.

The rules governing the content of a wedding ceremony are those of the church and state. Religious traditions have their own specific way of performing the wedding ceremony and may not be open to the idea of personalizing the ceremony for individual couples. State laws specify such things as the minimum age for brides and grooms, the need for a qualified officiant, and the speaking of vows in front of witnesses.

When a couple is getting married outside the auspices of a particular religious tradition, they are free to customize their ceremony as long as they honor the laws of the state where they are getting married.

Creating a wonderful ceremony is a matter of balancing the opportunity for expressing your uniqueness with the comfort of the common ground of tradition. Going too far in one direction or the other creates a ceremony that is memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Be careful not to throw away all the elements of tradition. For example, when presenting ceremonial elements in my book, “The Wedding Ceremony Planner,” I chose to loosely follow the structure of the wedding ceremony found in the Book of Common Prayer, since eighty percent of Americans are Christian. That is why this common root of Christian wedding ceremonies is so familiar to most people. It also provides a logical sequence of events that allows the ceremony to reach crescendo with the sharing of vows, the ring exchange, the final blessing, pronouncement, and the kiss. I recommend that couples put their signature on their ceremony in the content of the elements they choose to include rather than in their sequencing.

4) Make sure you and your ceremony officiant have a comfortable working relationship.

The role of the officiant in a traditional religious ceremony is governed in large part by the rules of that religion, while interfaith and ecumenical ministers have much more freedom to customize your ceremony with you. Remember that you get to choose who marries you, and it is very important that you have a comfortable working relationship with him or her. Our job as clergy is to guide you and to serve you, and some of us do a better job of that than others.

It is not uncommon for couples to be intimidated by members of the clergy. We have personalities, and strengths and weaknesses in how we perform our jobs, just like everyone else. You are entitled to an officiant who cares about you and wants to help you to create the wedding ceremony that is right for you, even if it means he or she needs to go above and beyond the call of duty.

5) Allow your ceremony to be unique, but not a cliché.

Some couples try too hard to be unique, and end up including elements in their ceremony that are either disappointing, cliché or offensive to some of their guests. For example, one couple planned to have butterflies released during their recessional. Unfortunately, when the cardboard containers were opened, half the butterflies were dead. At another wedding, the groom, accompanied by his rock band, played a song for his bride in the middle of the ceremony. This mini jam session left many traditional guests horrified.

6) Be very clear about the time and location of your ceremony.

Some people believe that weddings never start on time. However, most couples plan the time of their reception based upon the assumption that their ceremony will start on time. Remember, the later your ceremony starts, the more time and money you will lose on your reception. It is a good idea to either be clear that your ceremony will start on time, or build in a time cushion by scheduling the start time fifteen minutes before you actually plan to begin. Just be careful not to put those who arrive on time in the position of having to wait too long.

Similarly, it is important to give your guests clear information about your ceremony location. Some couples choose locations that are aerobically challenging or simply inaccessible to elderly or physically challenged guests — including women in high heels. Be sure to include an excellent map and directions with your invitations. Also, strategically place signs, balloons or ushers to guide your guests to the wedding site. Another good idea is to provide the cell phone number of someone willing to serve as a contact person for guests who get delayed or lost. Give your family and friends the gift of a ceremony that starts on time, at a user-friendly, easy to reach site.

7) Keep it short and simple.

You can create a beautiful and memorable ceremony that takes no more than 15 or 20 minutes. In my experience, a ceremony that goes much longer than that runs the risk of creating fidgety, bored, and impatient guests. For example, you may lose the attention of your guests by including more than two readings.

8) Just breathe. Be present. Be joyful.

Your wedding ceremony is when you will first see all of your guests and they will see you. This may be a bit overwhelming or anxiety producing. I have seen many a couple come before me with terrified smiles on their faces and no air moving through their bodies. That’s when I remind them “Just breathe.” It is so simple, yet sometimes challenging for a couple to let go of all concerns so they can bring their hearts and minds present. Once they get to the altar, all the bride and groom really need to do is to look into the eyes of their beloved and just breathe and feel the joy in their hearts. What a magnificent moment in life and what a shame to miss it because you are worrying about some detail or find yourself overcome with nerves.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and each other on your wedding day is to be fully present in the loving that brought you both to this moment. You can only focus your attention on one thing at a time. So, let it be the joy, loving, and gratitude you feel to be joining together in marriage, rather than worrying about whether or not the caterer got your message about the olives. Just be fully present in your loving.

9) Remember that your wedding day has only 24 hours.

While this is one of the most important days of your life, it only has 24 hours like any other day and will come and go before you know it. The more you obsess about your wedding, the less you are likely to enjoy it. Have fun planning your special day, but don’t fall into the trap of trying to make it the most perfect and spectacular wedding that has ever existed on planet earth.

Enjoy discovering and expressing what aspects of your wedding day are truly important to the two of you as individuals and as a couple. Just remember, this is not an Olympic event. It is the celebration of your commitment to each other and the beginning of your journey together as husband and wife. Have a heartfelt and delightful day.

Don’t set yourselves up for disappointment by buying into unrealistic expectations and then falling into post-wedding depression because the day has passed and you are no longer the king and queen for the day. Your wedding day is meant to be a gathering of loved ones to witness and celebrate your union and to launch you into your life together as husband and wife. That brief 15 or 20 minutes called your wedding ceremony is what the day is all about — your entrance into the sacred and joyous covenant of marriage. Then you party, and then you have the rest of your lives together to fulfill your vows by loving, honoring, and cherishing each other.

10) Delegate, have fun, and keep your sense of humor.

Do plan ahead, paying careful attention to the details, and delegate implementation of your wishes to friends, family, and professionals. Once you have set your plans in motion, let them go. Do not carry them with you throughout your wedding day, comparing what actually happens to what was on your list. What you planned for was your image of perfection, which never actually happens. Remember to keep your sense of humor handy and to enjoy the serendipity as it unfolds. Be open to the unexpected blessings and surprises that are sure to come your way.

May you and your marriage be blessed in all ways, always.